The Guilded Merkin, 27/8/21

 Live performances? At the bandstand on the Embankment, just a 10 minute walk away? Yes, we'll support that! 

From the list we saw online C said 'Well let's go to this one' and (surprised though I was - I'd seen ads for "Guilded Merkin - Caberet and Burlesque" performances in Nottingham before!) I agreed and dutifully bought tickets.

My interest in burlesque is based partly on curiosity, never having seen any performances, you understand, and partly on an altruistic need to inform my readers - I do this stuff so you don't have to! (And C once went to a male stripper show with colleagues but apparently there are different standards for different genders.)

The reminder email said there would be Covid checks at the entrance, so we decided to turn up 30 minutes before the time on the ticket (6:30), only to find that 6:30 was the 'gates opening' time, not the start time (which I was, frankly, pretty annoyed about).

We'd taken cushions in plastic bags for the stone terracing at the bandstand, so used these to sit on the grass outside and wait. 

M: Do you know what a 'merkin' is?

C: No

M: It's a wig that fits on a mons

C: WHAT!

M: Everyone knows that!

C: No they don't - just dirty old men like you. I shall do more research before agreeing to anything in future

Well we eventually got into the venue and were second in the queue for drinks and, though it was breezy and not warm, we were sufficiently wrapped up not to get cold. The 'Covid checks' turned out to be just a forehead temperature measurement.

Our compere for the evening was Stage Door Johnny, who camped it up stylishly with audience interactions and much ribbing of "John Hughes", who had complained to the local press about the event. Actually it was a 'John Crosby', but never mind. 

We were treated to performance by Scarlett Daggers (costume mostly balloons which she systematically popped), Rod Laver ('juggling' with ping-pong balls - at one point he had 3 in his mouth which almost made us gag to witness), Lolo Brow (mostly she put clothes on rather than removing them but later she came back and did such revolting stunts as hammering a nail into her nose and playing push-me-pull-you with a condom - each end exiting a different nostril).

Fancy Chance was considerably more entertaining. In her first piece she was Alice in Wonderland licking a magic mushroom and then stripping while tripping. After an interval she did a Prince impression. (When Johnny asked what impression the audience wanted they rather predictably called for 'George Michael!', 'Freddy Mercury!' or 'David Bowie!, but they were just as happy with Prince.)

The audience was mostly couples and groups of friends and many were clearly long-term fans of the show or of the genre. We were encouraged to give the artistes lots of encouragement, especially as it was a bit cold and still daylight and a considerably less-than-full house. I did get one "Stop it!" from C when I hooted particularly enthusiastically.

(I was reminded of the fine example of two of C's ex-pupils, 'Champagne' and 'Velvet' to whom she taught dance as well as PE, who went on to become exotic dancers in a club in town after leaving school in the 70s.)

After about 2 hours Johnny said there was going to be a second break after the next act. And we thought it was going to be just an hour or so! C commented that it was getting a bit boring and I couldn't really disagree. I might have suggested leaving but my favourite performer, who went by the distinguished name of Havana Hurricane, had only done one slot and would surely come on again before the finish.

Havana was a proper dancer and, though 'graceful' might be pushing it, she certainly had the energy and the moves... 

Sure enough she closed the show, and all went well until the final few seconds when a nipple tassel pinged off onto the stage. Quick as a flash her hand covered the exposed nipple and nothing was revealed as she waved her goodbye (with her other hand). 

(It turns out Havana is an internationally renowned artiste. If you're interested there is a spectacular video clip on her web site - scroll right down and go to full screen.)

Verdict: burlesque is fun and saucy, devoid of eroticism, and ultimately repetitive. 

Anyway that's something else ticked off the bucket list.