Sore throat

I never get sore throats. Nasty 4-week colds, the occasional cough, but mercifully not the sore throats that make these inconveniences doubly debilitating. Until this week.

For 4 nights this week I've woken up between 1 and 2 am, i.e. when the bed-time ibuprofen wears off, and have ended up downstairs channel-hopping until the pain has subsided and I'm tired enough to sleep. It's a sharp rasping fiery pain at the top of the back of my mouth rather than down in my throat and it's vile. It makes talking into an ordeal. Along with the throat I feel generally grotty and have pulled out of all commitments this week.

On the plus side during channel-hopping in the early hours you get to learn all sorts of useless information. Who knew that ER's Dr Carter (Noah Wyle) had been starring in a fantasy series called The Librarians? And Tyger Drew-Honey's dad is the infamous Ben Dover? And that pregnant New-Agers can go to Hawai for a dolphin-assisted birth? Who wants to know?

There's no point making a GP appointment; the doctor will invariably say "it's a virus" and recommend rest, fluids, and analgesics. But after 4 days of this misery I want it to stop. Cue a visit to the big Boots in town.

Back when I was a teenager, Mum would give us something called Bradosol to suck and that would numb your throat for a while. Then at school there was an optional Holy Communion (bear with) for confirmed C-of-E pupils before breakfast on a Thursday morning; the red wine had a similar effect. (That's as close as you could get to self-mediation on a 1960s English boarding school.) Yesterday in Boots I was confronted with a bewildering array of products. There are Strepsils, of course. But 4 different flavours? Plus 'original'? And Strepsils for throats, or Strepsils for throats and coughs, or Strepsils for throats and blocked noses ...even triple action Strepsils. Then there are the own-brand equivalents.

My eye was caught by a section with cards, instead of packs, that you take to the counter. OK this has to be the serious stuff. One was a lidocaine spray. (Lidocaine? You can buy that now? Next it'll be "Root Canal Work for Dummies")

I opted for a spray and a pack of Strepsils, and a 96-pack of high-strength ibuprofen, and last night threw the whole lot at the wretched throat, as well as a full dose of Night Nurse. Surely that would see me through to breakfast. No chance - regular as clockwork I was awake at 1:30. Tried to get back to sleep by dosing with a Strepsil then lidocaine but it was no use. Downstairs I top up with ibuprofen, vitamin C, a warm drink, and a bowl of Kellogs Kraves for good measure. (Come on, they were bought for the grandkids. And the milk was semi.) This time I'm back in bed in 45 minutes, which is an improvement I suppose.

Seriously I don't care if it is a self-limiting viral illness - I'm going to my GP for sleeping pills on Monday.

It's difficult to escape the implication that this illness is, at least partially, self-induced. I was up late and shredded my vocal cords 2 weeks ago at the Fiddler's Elbow in Camden. Then 2 days later had to hare off to York for 2 days because Mum was poorly. Then we had our grandchildren for 2 days: 5:45 am starts and full-on, knackering, lovely days. The next day the symptoms kicked in.

Getting older sucks, but it's better than the alternative, as they say.