Lego is a tool of Satan, warns Polish priest

Father Slawomir Kostrzewa says toy company represents 'world of death' and that Zombie and Monster Fighter mini-figures can lead children 'to the dark side' (The Telegraph)

"It's never going to work, boss."

Beelzebub plonked the two fresh lattes down and sat next to Old Nick so he could see the tablet he was staring at. The 18-month project plan on the screen with its green bars, red milestones, resource lists, and deliverables looked convincingly solid.

"Look - the software's a mess. The last version just caused the figures to go a bit blurry. We should never have hired those guys from the universal credit project - I knew IDS was over-keen to let us have them. There will never be time to test de-bug the new version properly.

Then there's the polymer codification problem - you do know that nobody has embedded computer code directly into molecular substructures before, don't you? And the polymer chemists really really hate the nanotechnologists. It's like asking a werewolf and a vampire to team up for Strictly Come Dancing.

And the chronobiologists can't even get Tesco Double Cream to go bad just after the use-by date, let alone guarantee an activation sequence on a particular day of the year, ten months away.

Finally the ur-viles have a valid existential point that the inanimate may, by invoking just the right amount of dark arts, be transmogrified into the undead but there is no guarantee that their new-found soullessness will be virulent enough to infect human victims. In other words, we all know that zombies are impelled to attack, kill, and eat their pre-dead fellows, but who's to say their owners (the target children) will acquire the same characteristics? And will the Lego zombies even have enough bite to kill what is a significantly larger victim?"

"God, why are you always so negative, Bee?" replied Nick. "You're such an energy-stealer! We've got a whole week to iron out the final details and get the modified zombies into the shops in time for the Christmas rush. Then all we have to do is wait for Halloween..."

"The whole thing is tenuous! Too many unknowns!"

"Just shut up and have faith, will you, you old goat."

October 31st, 2015, 00:01 am

In a forgotten box of Lego, deep in a dark bedroom cupboard, something stirs. A single eye on a ravaged face blinks open. Zombie 1 has awoken!

He is followed first by scores, then hundreds, then thousands of others - in London, Los Angeles, Istanbul, New Delhi, Clacton...

"Told you so" gloated Nick, glued to his iEye. His henchman replied with a simple, sceptical "Mmmm".

As the pair watched, Zombie 1 sat up. Just feet away 6-year old Zoe, in her bed, slumbered on, oblivious to the mortal danger.

For the first time Zombie 1 could feel. He felt hunger. Not just pangs, but ravenous lust. He was driven - he had to feed - not just on anything, but on the flesh of his own. With blind purpose he rose up, climbed out of the box, and staggered around. He did not stop until he found what he craved.

Zoe turned over. Her teddy fell to the floor. And Zombie 1's teeth closed on the throat of ...a Lego Astronaut.

(Yeah, I know this Telegraph piece was an April 1st item, but couldn't resist having some fun with it.)