Five men (and four women) in a boat (1)

A cold November in 1976, straight after work on dark and gloomy Friday afternoon.

Nine intrepid explorers, employees, ex-employees, friends, and partners of employees of UKCIS – the pioneering “United Kingdom Chemical Information Service” (variously known as  “You-Kiss, “Uck-Siss” and sometimes “Yuck-Siss”)  -  set out on an expedition into the wilds of Staffordshire. Their choice of transport is daring, none of them ever having captained a narrow boat before.

We advanced as far as possible by road to the watery outpost where we could charter a vessel. After bartering with several unsavoury characters on the dockside we settled on a converted barge with rudimentary facilities. It slept 10, mostly in single bunks in an open plan area amidships. The owner gave cursory instructions, mostly relating to the surcharge to be expected should anyone become violently seasick in the galley, took his money, and headed for the bars and fleshpots of Sawley.

Our group quickly stowed our provisions and settled in, the couples drawing lots for the one private bedroom towards the bow. C and I missed out on the private room but did draw the double bed in the communal area. Then we headed for the nearest tavern to eat and quench our thirst.

Several hours later we staggered back to the vessel. The lights were not working. It was as cold inside as it was outside. Someone vaguely remembered the salty dog who rented us the boat saying something about not leaving the heating on for long while the engine wasn’t running. We conclude that the battery is flat.

Imagine nine inebriated twenty-somethings fumbling in the dark trying to find their night attire and bunks. In the cold. Use of the bathroom for anything but emergencies is out of the question. But, hey, we’re explorers!  Did Livingstone on his travels have the luxury of a toothbrush, soap, electric lighting?

Needless to say that there was no suggestion of talking into the small hours over steaming mugs of coffee. Everyone simply got into bed as fast as possible in the hope of warming up, and soon a peaceful silence settled over the troubled ship.

 But my lasting memory of that night was C and me getting the giggles. 

You know how it is when something sets you off laughing at a time and place where you shouldn’t be? When you daren’t look at the other person, as you know it will set you off again? Perhaps someone, to whom you could not possibly point it out, has innocently delivered a particularly choice double entendre. Or you've done something naughty, or at least socially frowned upon. And the last thing you need is to be helplessly giggling about it, but you just can't help it. Well that was us. I won’t give the reason, except to say we each had the silent thought that we should not waste our good fortune in securing the double bed.

Nobody has ever spoken about what they may or may not have heard in the narrow boat that night.