The conductor on the bus says "Hurry along please"

(Yes I know that no bus has had a conductor since about 1965 but the version of "The wheels on the bus" that I knew definitely had this as one of the verses. So there!)

We've had the good fortune to see 3 excellent stand-ups over the past few weeks. Last night Sarah Pascoe perhaps gave us fewer actual LOLs than did Bridget Christie or Russell Howard, but was just as entertaining, a consummate comedian. It seems surreal to see our favourite up-and-coming young female artists now (many years later) rapping about childcare and the menopausal experiences of them and their friends.

Now then... After a night at the theatre it can be crucial to get out and to the bus stop as quickly as possible. At that time of night it could mean the difference between an immediate hop-on and a 25 minute wait in the rain. Last night our row was reasonably close to a side door, meaning we could avoid the crush on the main stairway down to the theatre lobby. We were just 8 seats (29 and 30) from the side, surely a prime position.

Sarah has announced her finale, a reveal of a mouse on her back (don't ask), and left the stage, the house lights are full on, and everybody knows that stand-ups don't do encores. I'm up and ready with my jacket on and glance to my left. People from the rows in front of us are in the aisle, moving towards the main and side exits. But seats 37 and 38, at the end of the row, are standing up, faffing about with coats and making no attempt to move into the aisle. In between us and them people are putting on their coats and jackets. Mmmm... can't they do that when they get to the lobby? 

Next to me, 31 is looking at his seat, apparently bemused to see the coat he has been sitting on. (Has he forgotten it's winter? Has somebody switched coats? Is he expecting a manservant to appear and proffer it to him?) Seats 37 and 38 are now shuffling into the crowd in the aisle. Movement at last!  But no! 35 and 36 are fumbling about on the floor for handbags, scarves, gloves, god knows what! After what seems like hours they eventually shift towards the exit, and 31 and 32 are ready to shuffle out, albeit several minutes after the end of the show. 

But what's this?! The woman in 33 is still seated!!! What the f***'s she been doing? Saying her prayers? You couldn't make it up! IF YOU DON'T INTEND TO LEAVE THE THEATRE, WHY NOT LET PEOPLE PAST?! 

Eventually we make it to the exit. Sarah is probably half way down the M1. But we only have to wait 5 minutes for the bus.