"Star's new role 'most difficult yet'" (Daily Bugle, 20 March 2018)

Fresh from his triumphant portrayal of Obi Wank-a-Nobbie in the latest film from the Star Wars franchise, I visited 3-times Oscar winner Mike Rivett for a pre-release of limited information about Peter Jackson's latest film The Hobbit: an Unexpected Sequel.

It is thought that this rare news release is in response to frenzied speculation in the online media about the new project in recent days.

The first movie of the new trilogy, is based (very) loosely on some short stories written by Tolkien when he was 10, and is set some 30 years after Bilbo returned home from his adventure with Thorin and companions. It features Bisto, a distant cousin of Sam Gangee, who breaks into Bilbo's home in search of pipeweed and finds instead a valuable-looking ring which he is sure will buy his way into the whorehouses of Bree.

In Bree he falls into bad company: the itinerant dwarf, Grimli, and his elvin beer buddy Legaless. The trio embark on (surely not?) a journey, hotly pursued by you-know-who.

"In many ways this was the most demanding role I've taken on", said Rivett, interviewed at his Beverley Hills mansion. "Peter wanted a new approach to the role this time, with less reliance on CGI. The main problem was the physicality of the character.

"I worked for 6 months with a personal trainer and a personal dietitian. I had to lose the six-pack, the guns, and most of my thigh muscle. This involved a rigorous regimen of staying in bed till noon, spending most of the day in front of the TV, cutting out protein from my diet, and keeping hunger at bay with plenty of warm chocolate brownie and ice cream. I wasn't even allowed to use the remote!

"After all that work the final step was to lose the chest hair, which meant a trip to Brazil. (Had to use the experts, obviously.)"

And that's all folks! Along with these 2 location shots, the first of which we believe to be the Southern Alps of New Zealand, this is the only information New Line are going to release.