New species at Chelsea Flower Show

Don't get me wrong - the Chelsea Flower Show is a jaw-dropping experience. Your senses of sight and smell are bombarded with delights. But joyous it is not. Filing around the gardens and then the indoor stands with the crowds would be a bit of an ordeal, even without either a recently broken ankle or a hip with advanced osteoarthritis.

The wow factor is rather diminished by the wall-to-wall BBC2 coverage for the past 5 days. I saw just one person smile, and that was at something his companion had said.

And the experience is not exactly enhanced by the obtuse behaviour of some of your fellow visitors. There are basic rules to be followed when in a crowd but some people seem oblivious to them. Here are the worst offenders, graced with appropriate botanical names you might see in the Chelsea plant lists.

• Individuals in the flow of people getting from A to B who suddenly for no known reason stop dead - causing, if not the death and injury this behaviour would produce on a motorway, at least jarred hip and knee joints, inconvenience, and loss of temper in those behind them. (Haltus abruptus)



• People who are standing at the front of the crowd and then suddenly start reversing without a care as to who or what might be behind them: sandled feet, small children, people with their broken ankles in plaster etc etc. (Bacca onathespectrum)


• The people who are behind you waiting to look at the garden in front, but who then stand motionless when you turn to leave, thereby blocking your exit and everyone else's (Obstaclore stationarae)


• People who wave their walking stick about 5 cm from your nose. (Gesticulor obliviatus - If that had touched my face, you'd have been on the ground mate, whether we share a degenerative musculoskeletal condition or not.)


• People who knock your head with their umbrellas. Bastards. (Brollo lethala)



• The idiots who crowd around any garden where a TV personality is being filmed, both preventing anyone else from viewing the garden and blocking the flow of people past the garden. Get a bloody life! (Celebritus asinino)


• Everyone else